5 Strategies On Overcoming Being A Perfectionist (Aka ‘All-Or-Nothing’ Thinking)
Nov 12, 2024Are you hard on yourself? If you’re like most women, you probably answered yes. Perhaps it’s because you had someone who constantly pressured you to perform well in your childhood. Maybe it was a parent (or both), a teacher, or a coach. Getting great grades, making the basketball team, or executing moves perfectly at a dance recital might have been part of what makes you who you are today.
What we learn in childhood and our environment can be ingrained in us. Or perhaps it’s later in life when we can’t meet up to the expectations of our boss. A partner. We then put these high demands of perfection on ourselves; sometimes, we are aware of it, and sometimes, we aren’t. Until…we begin to crack from the weight of it all.
The reality is no one is perfect. We know that, right? Deep down, I’m sure we do. But the thing is, it doesn’t stop us from having these unrealistic expectations of ourselves that we can’t meet. Then, when we can’t achieve what we expect, we feel like a failure. Our self-esteem plummets, and we stop taking action on things that can actually help us. Heal us. We stay small and live in fear of failure.
As a women’s life and wellness coach and personal trainer, I see this far too often: women who have previously tried all kinds of things to improve their health: diets, detoxes, intense exercise challenges, you name it. And they either end up seeing results, but they’re not sustainable, or they can’t follow through. The end result is the same: they feel like a failure and stop doing anything.
They end up deeply unhappy with their physical appearance, but usually, it’s more deeply rooted. They internalize feeling like it’s their fault when the reality is it’s usually the method itself that wasn’t going to work. not them.
So how can you shift from this perfectionist or ‘all-or-nothing’ thinking and be happy with ‘good enough’?
Noticing and naming feelings
Notice and name what you feel when these feelings pop up. Most of us are so busy that we don’t take time to sit with how we are truly feeling and reflect on why we might be feeling that way. We as humans like to be comfortable, and sitting in the discomfort of emotions can be very…well, uncomfortable! But we can’t grow until we learn what didn’t work and why. Simply naming what you feel aloud can help you take control instead of feeling powerless. Giving yourself permission to explore your feelings opens the door to being open to trying new things so you can have the life you want.
Setting realistic expectations
Is this realistic? Are you realistic when setting out to achieve whatever you want? When I work with women who want to lose weight, a lot of women initially have unrealistic expectations of how much they can lose by a certain timeline. They might be attached to a certain number (i.e. their pre-pregnancy size…from 15 years ago) or want to lose weight in an unrealistic way (i.e. restrictive diets, excessive exercise, etc.). If it’s not doable in your life, it will probably not happen. If you hate waking up at 5:30 am but sign up for the early morning fitness classes, it’s a huge challenge that might not work for you. Your alarm will go off, and your bed will tempt you back to sleep. If you hate eating kale but your ‘detox’ calls for bucket loads of kale juices, you are setting yourself up for failure. It’s not you; it’s the method. So, in order to be effective, it takes time and energy to choose what works for you in your life now.
Practicing self-kindness
Be kinder to yourself. This is a big one. We are so hard on ourselves that it paralyzes us from taking further action. After years of being so hard on ourselves, it will not be an instant switch to self-praise. It takes deliberate intention. One of my favourite exercises for this is to do a negative self-talk audit. You divide a blank piece of paper in half, creating two columns. You title the left side ‘negative’ and the right side ‘positive.’ When you say negative things about yourself, you write it down on the left. When you say positive things about yourself, you write it down on the right. This can be quite powerful because initially, we notice that we say a LOT of negative things and very few, if any, positive things about ourselves. Being intentional with our self-talk is a huge step towards self-kindness, and realizing that expecting perfection is setting ourselves up for disappointment. And if all else fails, asking yourself if you would talk to your best friend the same way you talk to yourself should indicate how you treat yourself and expect of yourself.
Anticipating challenges & learning from experiences
Expect challenges. If COVID taught us anything, it was to prepare for the unexpected. It’s life, and there WILL be bumps in the road. Just because you are trying something new or putting yourself out there again doesn’t mean that it will be smooth sailing. But if you plan for roadblocks, you’ll be better equipped to handle what does come your way and not ‘fall off the wagon.’ The best way to do this is to look back on things you have tried before and figure out what worked and didn’t. There are always lessons in ‘failure,’ and how we move forward makes us stronger and more successful. For example, a client was taking her annual summer vacation, and she was afraid of ‘falling off the wagon’ like she did every year. She wanted to enjoy her vacation, but she knew she would be surrounded by friends drinking, lots of unhealthy snacks and meals and her activity level would not
be the same as usual. She feared being unable to keep up her healthy choices and returning to square one when she got home. Instead, we worked together to figure out her challenges and how to proactively take them on when they popped up…because they would. This left her feeling empowered instead of out of control, and she had a great vacation as a result.
Celebrating successes
Celebrate your successes. We do not do this enough! We women are so busy that we just move on to the next thing! We deserve to feel good and to be celebrated. AND…we need to celebrate the small things. It’s not just the big milestones. Celebrating the small steps is more important because it creates momentum and keeps us moving forward. When we do one thing well, acknowledging the effort and dedication it takes is important in overcoming perfectionism. Yes, this can feel extremely awkward at first. We might feel like we are ‘gloating’ or looking for external validation. But the truth is, we all need more happiness and joy in this world, and people are looking for happy success stories. If you motivate someone to make a change in their life, it’s a huge win-win. The people in your life who truly love you will be happy for you and support you, and this will help keep you moving forward.
Overcoming perfectionism is a journey that requires self-awareness, realistic goal-setting, and self-compassion.
By implementing these five strategies—noticing and naming feelings, setting realistic expectations, practicing self-kindness, anticipating challenges and learning from past experiences, and celebrating successes—women can break free from the paralyzing cycle of all-or-nothing thinking.
This shift allows for sustainable personal growth, improved self-esteem, and a more balanced approach to life's challenges, ultimately leading to greater happiness and fulfillment.
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